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There is something truly terrifying about being alone with your thoughts while you aren’t alone. And i don’t mean your in a group of people and you can’t get out of your own head to join the party, thats a different story. I’m taking about sitting in someone else’s room, someone else’s bed and, no matter how hard you fight it you can’t fall asleep. You just stare at the wall, the ceiling, your phone, anything, hoping that sleep with sweep you up in its grasp and take you away from your thoughts. My mind has been racing for hours now. Actually it was racing back when i was surrounded by people but i didn’t truly get sucked in until there was no one there to distract me. In the past few months, my whole life has been turned upside down. I lost, was reunited, and lost again, the man i thought i was going to spend eternity with. My home became hell. And just to top it all off, i have increased how often i smoke anything by at least 300%. But even so‚Ķall of this tragedy has brought me closer to, not just the woman i want to be but, the human being i want to be. I learned its okay to have bad days and its completely fine to be okay when things aren’t going your way. I never knew the strength i had inside of me until it was the only thing i had. I know that sounds so cliche but its the honest-to-god truth. I learned how beautiful and magical it feels to love yourself and although, i still have my work cut out for me in that department, I’ve made progress. People have always told me how beautiful i was and to me it was always an empty compliment that held no meaning. Today however, I’m starting to believe it. I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world and i may not have the kind of body people want but I’m happy in my skin right now. Of course there are things i want to change but those things are slowly but surely becoming simple tasks, that with a little determination, i can accomplish. Another thing, I am proud of the career I’ve chosen. I know i can change the world someday and i have already taken the first few steps. But in all honestly the most terrifying thing about the past two months have been that i was alone and reaching a point where i don’t need anyone else has been the most liberating thing. I Don’t Need Anyone Else To Be Happy. Sure, ill have my bad days and get lonely sometimes but I can be happy on my own. I can look at myself and see someone who is beautiful and uniquely herself. I know I’m weird as fuck. I know I’m stubborn as shit. I know i can be hard to handle and absolutely ridiculous. But i love the person i have become. The person i found under those shadows. Its so easy to forget who you are when your in love. Its so simple to fall into a lifestyle that isn’t what you wanted for yourself. It took losing the man i love twice for me to realize where i had gone wrong with myself. I know i may change in the future but for right now I’ve found the place and the person i want to be. Its all thanks to a pair of scissors, a tube of purple dye, a whole lot of courage and the strength i had to stand up when my world came crashing down.